[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.