If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Duolingo getting serious.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t