95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy