A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.