Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them