The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot