[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac