@omgshuddup
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
@omgshuddup
@omgshuddup
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
@omgshuddup
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
@omgshuddup
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
@omgshuddup
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
@omgshuddup
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
@omgshuddup
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
@omgshuddup
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
@omgshuddup
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
@omgshuddup
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.