@omgshuddup

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

@omgshuddup

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

@omgshuddup

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

@omgshuddup

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

@omgshuddup

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

@omgshuddup

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.