I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?