I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.