People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.