Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant