Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Friends that check up on you >
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?