I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.