there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.