Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
any last words?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
this makes me so uncomfortable
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
This guy gets it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]