I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference