[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC