mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
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Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Namaste
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
hear me out : pockets for your socks