I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The dark side of Canada
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets