[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”