motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂