sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”