sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.