therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.