[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
What the dentist sees
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Every time.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother