[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
5 ways to appear taller
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
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