Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
You Might Also Like
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.