♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.