sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I thought this was funny lol
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.