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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I鈥檒l consider doing it to others.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can鈥檛 do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Breaking news:
I鈥檓 not a doctor, which is why I鈥檓 able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don鈥檛 even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn鈥檛 work
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there鈥檚 a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
馃槀馃槀
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
when revenge coincides with naptime
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she鈥檚 sticking with the shark.
13: They just don鈥檛 take Halloween as seriously as me.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he鈥檚 definitely dead
Let鈥檚 watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.