canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
You Might Also Like
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105