“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
You Might Also Like
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The cats activated the rainbow portal again