@oxygenplug: *you see a bear approaching*
"quick play dead!"
*bear runs up to you*
"OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU"
@oxygenplug: "Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?"
"What? Are you sure? Why don't we-"
@oxygenplug: [commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
@oxygenplug: [at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
@oxygenplug: "yes I'm very good in bed"
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
"Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"
@oxygenplug: if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy
@oxygenplug: "we're out of bread"
"ciabatta be kidding!"
[waiter takes out gun]
"make another bread pun and ur toast, pal... shit"
[i take out my gun]
@oxygenplug: "Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird"
"Dude thats my dog get off"
"why is ur horse so small"
"Its a DOG"
Why u pronouncing horse weird
@oxygenplug: Can't wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours