My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body