I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.