“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.