A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.