My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
never deleting this app.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*