USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Hmm, not sure about this change
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…