USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Girl, same.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”