USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’