Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.