My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.