inside you are two wolves
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.