my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read