Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.