Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.