So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Everything reminds me of my ex
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail