heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
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these two trucks have the same bed length
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.