@patnspankme: I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@patnspankme: If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@patnspankme: her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@patnspankme: *wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

@patnspankme: *meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

@patnspankme: I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

@patnspankme: Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@patnspankme: We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

@patnspankme: A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.