@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@patnspankme

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@patnspankme

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

@patnspankme

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?