@patnspankme Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
@patnspankme 
@patnspankme Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
@patnspankme my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
@patnspankme my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
@patnspankme Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
@patnspankme I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
@patnspankme If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
@patnspankme her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
@patnspankme *wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
@patnspankme *meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?